You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
