Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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