I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
