bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
