Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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