I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
