if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
