I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
