i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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