so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
