I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my shit smells like andre
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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