thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
