You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
