and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
