i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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