Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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