Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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