fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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