Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
