Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
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I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
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Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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