this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
