ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
