so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
