she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's always time for handjobs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
