I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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