Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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