You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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