I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
