my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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