he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
