Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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