I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
