just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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