Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
