new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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