the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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