I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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