3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
