Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
