I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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