R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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