my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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