hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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