stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
