I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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