So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
