I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
