I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
