Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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