He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize