Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
