just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
