Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
