im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
