her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My hand turned me down
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
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can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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