I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
